Can This Be Love? .... Maybe.

Tuesday, August 23, 2005

Thoughts ....

okie, i noe it is "early" now.... but the prob is i cant sleep....

was watching "GTO" the anime, and i realise that..... i am just pathetic....

i guess watchin anime issint a good idea.... esp when i am tryin to tink abt my own life. it is always so perfect in anime....

but sometimes, isnt it good if all were true, i noe, wishful tinking.

they portray a wonderful pic of frenzship and relationship. isnt that wat i wanted to achieve? maybe i am a perfectionist, but, i realli wanna hav that.... is that too much to ask for?

society is so cruel, that i always got lost. lost in directions, in thinking, in life.... i noe i sound pessimistic.

frenz used to say that i am super optimistic, i dunno where that disappear to? everytime i try to paint a good pic, somehow, expectation brings disappointment. the higher it is, the harder i fall. thus, i realli start to give up.

i always believe that there is always sth good, till now i still believe, or am i just deluding myself? i kinda like to contridict myself, which in most case ended up super messy tots.

i am realli gettin sick and tired of all this....

i tot that by going overseas, i will be able to sort out my tots properly. but i guess, no matter where am i, it is me that i cant pass. coz i dunno how to sort out my tots. was standing at the balcony earlier, cool weather, chilling wind blowing, i tot it will make me awake. but i still cant manage to get a clue on how i shld start tinking....

is like i reach a multijunction, with onli one destination...... and i onli see the end not the route. it realli is makin me vexed out.... i am not one who can express myself emotionally, nor in words. it is just so vexing.... my vocab is limited, esp when it comes to inner self.

deep down inside, i noe there are many knots in my hrt, i am tryin to untie them. but i fear of the consequences, coz i dunno how to converse the right way, i noe that i will get tongue tied... it just feel like a burden in me....

being brought up in a "non-expressive" environment, when sometimes, turnin frus into violent is the way to communicate, it realli scares me....

pride, face, ego... used to hav one frenz whu told me that i have the pride and ego of a guy.... i wonder if it is true? i always wonder that.... i rem me as a gal whu always put up a front that is strong, and nth can defeat me... it lasted onli for 16yrs... after that, society and reality crushed me. i rem those times when i hated myself, for bein a weakling. i rem myself those times when i cried, i hate it.... i just dun like the feelin of vulnerability...

rem when i was young, being called names that somehow make me tink i am wat it is called. it somehow fix my mindset to that. but now, i just felt lost.... and i dun like that feeling...

it used to be internal locus of control.... i was happy den.... i can feel myself changing. and ppl say that i matured, but i tink i am losing control of myself. or is it the process of finding myself? i cant say i put it as a good or bad ting. coz i dunno how to define good and bad.

someone did tell me before, that by letting go of the past, i will move on to the future. i am tryin to. but if my mind is so messy now, wun i be in messier in future? being systematic, is that realli a virtue? always tryin to plan tings in advance, is that a good ting?

be responsible to ownself, whats that? wat is the definition? love ownself, how? respect ownself, how? i am always pursuin the answers, but how? time to time, i just get tired of tinking, and chucked everytin into one small corner of my mind, but time to time, it will just come bursting out...

i looked arnd me, i see my frenz arnd me, i dunno what to do. society make me lose trust in everyting. no, i am not blaming on society, is just that time to time, i get hit hard in the face.

broken hrt make one stronger, we all heard this before. time will heal, anor sentence which i tell ppl and tell myself. but, it doesnt seem to be the case for me. ppl can go into new rs and frenzship, but i cant. sorry pals, but this is wat i tink. coz the picture of frenzship and rs was realli shattered.

ppl keep tellin me that, always have confidence in watever one do, my personal motto was "never regret in whatever decision u make". but honestly, i regretted a lot of decisions i made. it doesnt have to be those life-death decisions, but every single small decisions made every seconds. it accumulate and results in painful consequences.

i been there, done that, suffered numerous times. i just cant go on like that. i lost trust in almost everyting, even my family and myself. when one reached that stage, it is almost a KO. realli, and i noe the onli way out was to rebuild to trust. it is easier said den do.

for example, i meet a new frenz, i will tell myself, it is a new beginning, den suddenly, i will start tinking, wat if it is anor hrt break again? what if it is not? my mind will fickle, i get scared. dun ask me why i am so pessimistic, i dunno and i hate myself for that. i hold back, i withdraw, or i even end it.

fear is my worst enemy, yet somehow i believe it is my guardian angel, who protect me. u see the irony? i just cant forget the past, esp all the hrt breaks and painful feeling. i can forget abt the events, the person, the situation but not the feelings. the shattering and stabbing of hrt, crying when sleeping, feeling useless. not easy to let go.

naive tinking, wishful tinkin, childish tinking.... wats new? retreatin into my world, sometimes give me short term consolation. realli. but den, reality hit at the door, and i cant stay. forced out into the real world.

used to be self torturous, i do mean self torture, changed better now. but still, ventin out all the anger and frus on myself seems to be the best way. not harmin other ppl arnd me, esp those close to me or i tink they are close to me. i cant read ppl's mind, i give them the benefit of doubt. okie, i may sound as if i am super great, but i am not. maybe that is the last bit of optimistism in me. going by Tao's tinking "human are good by nature".

maybe is just me that is stupid to believe in ppl, not be wary of them, but i cant bring myself to be like that.

committment phobia, i tink that is wat is happenin to me now. yet esp at this time, i keep on seein couples arnd me. damn, what did HE up there tryin to do? no offense taken. make me feel so fucking lonely, yet envious. damn. HE gave me someone who i committed into, yet HE took it away... no, i dun hate to the extreme, but i feel that it is a cruel joke played on me. what did i do wrong? okie, i noe, i didnt cherish him as much as i shld. i noe, my fault. stupid idiot me.

if HE wan me to be lonely all my life, den why did HE gave him to me in the first place? i tot i could conquer loneliness, until he came, and i loved him so much. and when he is gone, i realise i cant defeat loneliness. damn. i fucking hate myself to be such a weakling. why make me go thru all those pain? again and again. if it were meant to be a lesson, it shld hav be over, and i wun be here crying again. the hrt still ache, tinkin of him and the times we had. the feeling of someone there, lovin me as whu i am, not expecting much..... why did i not cherish him? why did i make all those decisions that eventually make him leave? i noe i shld dwell on it. but it is just that i still love him... wat the fuck is wrong with me?

i am a gal afterall, and i lose my pillar of support. and i can say it is not very fun. maybe not him as my pillar of support but he was the last pillar of support i had. he was the last one. till now, i cant find anor replacement for that. and it is not fun. i tried to shift that pillar onto myself, but i realised, i cant. coz i am alreadi lost. for the past 21yrs, i build pillar of support arnd me, i build my happiness on other's happiness. i tink of others before myself, watever i do, the initial person i tot was not me but others. i believe that if ppl are happi, i am happy. if i not happi, ppl still must be happi. stupid and naive tinking. i noe.

i am just stupid, idiot, useless....

Considered for a second about our love at {8/23/2005 04:20:00 AM}
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Name : Sharon Phang a.k.a Stone

Birthdate : 17th August 1984

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