Can This Be Love? .... Maybe.

Saturday, May 26, 2007

Down ....

suddenly just felt down, suddenly feel like leavin Perth, suddenly feel like going to anor place to start over again.

just got back from Pot Black with Silver. had three games of snooker, somehow played quite well. immersin myself into the world of snooker, tellin myself that at least there is sth that i am good in. tellin myself that at least there is sth that i am improvin in.

runnin away, it is pullin me. there are so many tings i had not learn to handle well, and history seems to be repeatin itself again. the frus ting is that i realli dunno what went wrong, i cant seem to get the main prob, even though i tot i did.

turnin backwards again, when i tot i had moved on. i dun wanna go thru all those again. i dunno whether i hav the strength and will to handle it again. everytime ppl tink i am super, i am strong, i noe wat i wan for myself. yet, there are times whereby i dunno who to tok to. not sayin that i am alreadi so knowlegde, but when me myself can alreadi foresee 90% of the reply, i kinda feel it is wastin both parties time. is that kind of helplessness that is killin me.

used to be told that if i reach a stagnant stage of my social circle, i shld go expand it. yet, i noe the old ting is comin back into every new frenz i make. there is no more confidence, no more 100% trust, no more 100% commitment. although withdrawn into my own world, being selfish was nv me. being alone was nv me. i always believe that in order to love myself, i need to love others. sound so wrong, yet it just is me.

i need that 10% reply that will stimulate me, yet i cant seem to find. i need to find someone that i can see my future self to be. not when i see my past in others. it is scary in a way, to see my past in someone, and the past will just come back and haunt me. tings that i had shelved, tings that i had run away from, tings that i tot i had resolved.

when i run out of ideas to actually face the situation, i look back into the past, and realise that all along i was runnin away from the problem, or even takin the easy way out. i had yet realli face it brave and strong.

behind the mask of standin strong is just the vulnerable me. and when it decide to come out, i realli hate it. it fights with my pride, my ego, my mind. i hate it when the emo me comes out, suddenly feel weak, and i hate feelin weak. to lose control, to lose goal, to lose vision.

as much as i wanna be the support of others, i am still seekin my own support, day by day. maybe it is becoz i noe i lose someone impt, someone special. and havin no confidence in findin anor someone special, is like a huge failure to me. to stand on my own, i had been doin that for the past donkey years, but there bound to be sometimes, when i just felt the pressure is too huge and pressin on me. to see frenz arnd me, feeling happy or sad abt the special one, make me envy. coz i dunno when will i hav that chance again.

frenz hav commented that i reached the stage of unattainable, when i become too rationale on rs, too hard to accept others, too afraid abt it. to be unfeeling abt feelings. honestly speaking, that was the defence that i force myself to take on, and it seem to reach a stage of own poisoning. it seem uncurable, and there is no antidote for it.

as the poison keep killin me, i am sufferin every single min, suffering the consequences of my own decision. it nv occur to me that the consequences were so bad, so hard, so similar to what i was runnin away from.

if i was to turn back time, i guess the ting i wanna change, will be comin to that decision even before knowin that someone special. tings will be so much different, and maybe i will still be suffering. yet at least i noe i wun hurt myself so bad, to feel so stupid.

Considered for a second about our love at {5/26/2007 08:28:00 PM} (0) comments
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Childcare center ....

that is how work place is like now. hmmm, on thurs when Lyle came back, new rules were set. bascially all the power and decision shifted back up. well, autocrat style. got commented by my mood swing, which got me pissed off. if i dun bitch with them, and i do my job, is that call mood swing. idiots. and the tok abt bitchin, that was the ridiculous one. coz the rule is set by the main instigator.

me and Lyle got told of and with a verbal warnin on bitchin. when all the both of us did was to tok abt work. due to the fact that we are keepin our volume down, it is deem as whisperin and that is consider as bitchin. duh. so ended up, the whole store noe that lyle is supposed to put the rubbish into the bin, and i am goin to the toilet. bullshit. to bring the volume up is easy for me, so, work had nv been so wonderful, whereby i dun need to control my volume. fantastic. and when asked why i am raisin my volume, i hav that innocent look explaining, coz i dun wanna get a written warning abt bitchin. fucking get so paranoid, coz Uncle Ron is comin, scared that she might not get Rockingham. fine.

all i did was to give Uncle Ron a call, requesting an appointment with him next week. statin it is for my work visa, to hav a chat with him on how committed i am. but that in turn meant that, he will be comin in next week instead of the original scehduled. haha. plus i ask him to pop by to say hi to the team. well, lets now tok abt who is gonna lose Rockingham. all those bullshit. well, as much as i didnt wanna get involved, since i am assume to get involved, i will show that dun take me for an idiot.

who is the one talkin abt no bitchin the day before, and the very next day, bitchin with ppl. by not settin a correct example, basically how u expect the staff to follow. bullshit. it doesnt take me much to get her busted. when i noe i am right, no matter how many excuses is given, it is bullshit.

dun mess arnd with me, sucker.

Considered for a second about our love at {5/26/2007 03:15:00 PM} (0) comments
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Tuesday, May 22, 2007

Stressed Out ....

as much as i tot work will kinda stable down, guess what, recieve anor bombshell from Chloe today, sayin that she will be quittin this wk. goodness, last wk was a goner, serious. after lyle disappeared. and i seriously tot that everytin gonna be alrite, haiz.

it kinda put me into a tight spot. Tegan advised me to tok to Dan abt it. in regards to Lyle, i hav done my part. at least now i noe that Ron doesnt wan him gone. so he shld be back at work in a few days time. but Chloe, hmmm, to see that frus and disappointment in her face, i realli cant just leave her aside. she is a good worker. and to lose her now, well, seriously short of staffs.

there had been feedback abt Andre style of mgt, and i just felt that it is kinda tearin the whole team apart. playin politics, that is the worst of the worst. for me to back Lyle up, was kinda showin sides. but i had to. to activate whatsoever influence, just to hav him back, i had to. but now is Chloe, haiz.

all the shit at work is drivin me nuts. is drivin me up the frus wall. well, now, i gotta handle it tactfully. not that i am obliged to, yet i cant just throw it aside. ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

Considered for a second about our love at {5/22/2007 11:43:00 PM} (0) comments
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Monday, May 21, 2007

blah .......

tryin to get report done this weekend, but nah, still half way... damn. so much for goin to the library and tryin to be an uni student again. damn, just felt weird lor. kinda dun feel that i belong in uni anymore. guess is wat workin is doin to me. anyway, gonna try to get it done asap. haiz, deadline is super near lor.

went out to NB on sat with Eve, had a few games in Pot Black, den decided to sit down in DOme to yak. and sure we yak and yak, in the freezin cold. haha. den we decided to go walk walk arnd NB. seriously haven realli walked arnd to see what is where and where is what. den went for a drive, hmmmm, explore North Quay in Freo, and i seriously forgotten that Eve hav motion sickness. haha. oopz.

as much as i am tryin to get my mind off work, it just seem to be a huge huge ting pressin on my mind. though i vent it out to Teg on fri nite, yet it just cant seem to go off. it is kinda affectin me hugely. Sorry to my PA, kinda got it out on u guys. i dun tink i could realli be out on fri nite, at my stage of stress lvl. kinda just had to get myself into bed.

was tokin to eve abt the topic on intellectual conversation. hmmm, apparently i am losin it soon, i need someone to realli be able to "poke" my brain. gettin sick of those common topics, senseless one sometimes. i need someone to tell me what i dunno, not what i alreadi noe. i need fresh advice, not out of the counsellin book. i need sth to stimulate my mind, i am someone who need fresh ting, if not i will lose my conc or attention. and i realise frenz arnd me arent able to break the bottle neck now. haiz. some of my frenz are doin U turns. which is kinda scary, coz i noe i will too, and i dun wan.

to see someone that used to be strong, totally collapse, is scary. the even scarier ting is that i see my potential future in the person. and the scariest ting is that i noe i will be even worse. haiz.

Considered for a second about our love at {5/21/2007 01:38:00 AM}
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Thursday, May 17, 2007

Stomp ....

okie, went to watch "Stomp The Yard" with Eve, Elise and YK. was kinda rushin to fetch them, coz was workin till 8 plus. lets not tok abt work first. the movie was nice, although old storyline, but the dance move is enuf liao. haha. cant expect much from a dance movie, rite?

had dinner at Hawker's, last cust. joined by Adrian, Claire, Dav and Luca. the weird ting is that haven eaten much, though i haven had dinner for the whole nite. hmmmmm. guess is tired out bah.

okie, work update. Lyle didnt turn up at work today. was surprised when i recieve the call tis mornin, at first tot it was miscommunication, but as the day drags on. no one in sight. it was till abt evenin time, when i called Teg, that at least i noe he is safe. didnt noe why, but gut feelin told me that after the past two days of gettin shit. he gonna throw the letter tml. haiz. provided he turned up la. haiz.

was supposed to finish early, but i realli cant throw down the work. coz in the work place, onli he and me are able to pump out stock fast enuf. without all those bullshit. at first i tot, yeah, i will leave early, but nope. i just cant leave. seein the amt of stock in the storeroom. haiz.

the even weirder ting is that, andre tinks that i noe where he is. haiz. for goodness sake, i dun even hav his contact number lor. even if i had known where the hell is he. i wun say one lor, work is work, personal is personal. watever that is not work, i dun give a damn. simple. i wun like to gossip arnd like what they were doin. haiz. for wat. reduce effiency, lower productivity, at the end of the day, everyone get shit. dumber.

watever it is, i guess tml if he turns up, i gonna hav a tok with him. for such a workaholic like him to not turn up and MIA, well, seems like a huge prob. just see whether he gonna say it a not. haiz.

Considered for a second about our love at {5/17/2007 01:51:00 AM} (0) comments
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Wednesday, May 16, 2007

Tired ........

okie, with the weather turnin freezin cold, its winter time. sudden drop of temperature. hmm....

been workin night fill for the past 2 days, kinda like it in a way. able to do stock without the irritation of customers. but it also means weird timin for dinner. for example, had dinner @ Makan Makan last nite at abt 11 plus. and like today, had dinner @ Mamak Bistro at abt 11 plus. hmmm. so unhealthy. haiz.

gotta be up in 5 hrs time. doin mornin shift tml. wonderin how will it be goin. anyway, recieve a shockin news tis mornin. apparently Monique is leavin. which means there is a Manager's position avail in Murray St. hmmm. and the weird ting is that Andre tot i will hear the news first hand. too bad, i dunno. if i noe, i would hav stayed there longer. haha. dun tink abt the ifs.

gonna be hard on the team there though, considerin a new AM just got in, and the Manager is leavin. haiz. shld i put my hand up for that position???? i alreadi sounded Dan today abt this. we see how it goes.

gonna slp now. nites.

Considered for a second about our love at {5/16/2007 12:25:00 AM} (0) comments
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Sunday, May 13, 2007

Metro .....

well well, back from Metro, great. there goes the Saturday nite. was supposed to head down to Ruby, but the queue is like lllooooooooonnnnnnnngggggg. so decided to head strght down to Metro instead. Music sucks, which i realli kinda wonder, what kind of target audience do they hav in mind. hmmmm.

got one super high PA, which i seriously dunno why. this one is a noisy one, but glad enuf she fell asleep in the car half way thru, no pukin, phew. stopped by McD for brekkie, den now back home. hmmm.

it is not hard to believe, yet, not when the other side asked me. ppl saw it and the news spread. how am i supposed to curb or even answer them. i am not the one gettin him into trouble, nor tarnishin his reputation. all three sides are my frenz, all three sides wanna trust me, yet i cant even give a definite answer when i myself dun even noe what the fuck is goin on. i got the news even before u told me, how am i supposed to react when i dun even noe u were there. told u be4 perth is small, and news spread fast enuf. i dun wanna wait till i get questions strght from parties involved. if i had not tried to curb it down, not just him, but even urs and mine reputation is goner. if u tink i am some shallow person, den u are wrong. why would i fuckin possible care if none of the sides are my frenz, i wun even give a fuck. watever it is, case close and i dun wanna fuckin care. and all i wanted to hear from u, is that both of u are just frenz. thats all.

Considered for a second about our love at {5/13/2007 05:15:00 AM} (0) comments
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Saturday, May 12, 2007

Update ....

well well, there goes anor week. hmmm, haven been updatin frequently i supposed, cant blame me la, busy person wat. watever.

Teg went back on Tues, the good ting is, both me and Lyle manage to make her cry before she board the plane, though we were not there to send her off. oopz. Andre came back on wed, and yeap, i got the position i wanted. now in the process of the working permit. damn. huge headache.

started a bit on my 393 report, look like gotta locked myself up in order not to lose conc. hmmm. yesterday was bugger. had night fill, pumpin out 3 pallets of stock in the storeroom. i know we can do it, as long as there are no cust arnd. relayed the whole toys alsie, perfecto.

went to had dinner with Dav, Eve and Claire @ Hawkers, den headed down to Pot Black to meet up with Elise, Nick and Luca. i swear my skills are fuckin dropping. damn. need more prac. played till 2 plus, headed down to Hits, wanted to drop by say hi. the moment the fuckin room door open, vroom, out of the way. my good PA didnt tell me the room contained hundreds of eyes in there. fuck.

chill out@ Mamak Bistro along Manning Road, den to Fast Ed's. hmmm. kinda "early" in the mornin before i came back. there goes the friday nite.

woke up in the afternoon, went down City to grab lunch @ Seoul BBQ cafe. den headed down to support Dav in his tennis tournament. back home now, hav a change of clothes, before headin down dunno where for dinner. hmmm, sat nite maybe down at Ruby Room or Metro, or even slpin at home. see how it goes.

was kinda pissed yesterday, for the fact that sth is hidin from me. well, it is ur life, fair enuf, but not when i get questions askin me. if u were plain strght forward, at least i would hav given a plain strght ans. not just, i dunno. it doesnt reflect well on me or even u. been waitin for u to give me an explaination since yesterday, but u chose not to. u noe that i will ask, not out of curiousity, nor out of gossipin, but to pull myself out of this shit. pardon me for bein so blunt and crude, that is the situation now. no matter how much i wanna keep myself out of this, it just got me linked back to it. watever it is, its ur choice.

Considered for a second about our love at {5/12/2007 06:25:00 PM} (0) comments
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Sunday, May 06, 2007

Spiderman .........

okie, so wat is so great abt the craze for the guy in red suit and doesnt hav a mouth?????? hmmmmmm.....

had dinner @ Elise's place last nite, home made food wor.... improvements needed, and kept forcin me eat carrot.... haiz... i tried. i dun wanna become bugs bunny la.... with that two front bulgin teeth, and hoppin arnd munchin a carrot. haha

went to catch Spidey @ Carousel, i alreadi said there will be a lot of ppl, that kept chasin someone to be faster, ended up, i got that "so-where-are-the-ppl?", "the-escalator-is-slow-coz-there-are-a "lot"-of-ppl" look. hmpf. true enuf, those ppl are alreadi in the cinema queuin up to get into the theatre. Lady in Red is a killer, beware. the movie was alrite, just that the seats in cinema is so uncomfy that my shoulder and neck was achin. nearly fell asleep though. haha.

after movie, headed down to Hits Studio again, this time is with Tegan and Lyle. as usual, they were drinkin before i even arrive, so yeap, there was the piggyback ride, the spinnin ride, and even the 180 turn ride. damn. not to forget the "Tree" symphony. yeap.

sang till 2am, before they headed down somewhere else. and me went over to Eve's place to slp. haha. lazy to drive home, esp when i had been drinkin. crazy nite at Hits, though onli the 5 of us. oooooooo.

woke up this afternoon, dragged eve outta bed, coz my stomach is growlin. couldnt get that Lady in red to wake up. so the two of us proceeded to had italian food @ Sorrento. not bad though, just kinda felt a bit weird havin Italian food in the afternoon. haha.

supposed to chill out @ Tegan's apartment, yet dunno where the hell the two disappear. so back at home slackin. which kinda remind me i better start on my final 393 report. due in 3 weeks time. haiz. hopefully can pass thru smoothly sia. if not cant grad lor. haiz. headache.

Considered for a second about our love at {5/06/2007 03:47:00 PM} (0) comments
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Saturday, May 05, 2007

Rainy ....

okie, seem like haven been updating.... hmmm.

the week went like poof. same ting la, work, eat, slp, work.

last nite, headed over to Carene's place for dinner, den met Tegan and Eva @ their apartment. hmmm, coz Eva goin back today, so they kinda wanted to go out. had one full glass of wine before even decidin where to go. aussie style. finally, headed down to Hits Studio, coz they wanted to sing KTV. well, i didnt realli sing much, coz english songs la. plus i was busy helpin the gals dedicate the songs. hmmmm. was fun though. after that, me and Tegan were like poof, plus gotta go work at 7am. bloody hell.

work today seem a daze, almost the whole day is spent on rearranging the entry stack. kinda got pissed off coz i need to shift the tings over and over again to accomodate new line. haven even manage to touch the allo pallets at all. haiz. and Tegan fell ill, i guess is slight food poisonin bah. haiz. well, since i wasnt told to go in tml, gonna grab the rest i needed.

goin to watch Spiderman 3 tml, actually not a very huge fan of comic books, yet is kinda interested in the latest plot. been a lot of reviews abt it. anyway, nth much to update though. gonna slp now. ciaoz.

Considered for a second about our love at {5/05/2007 03:08:00 AM} (0) comments
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The Lover

About Me

Name : Sharon Phang a.k.a Stone

Birthdate : 17th August 1984

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