Can This Be Love? .... Maybe.

Wednesday, November 08, 2006

Future directions ....

okie, first update.... was late for work today. didnt now why my actions were gettin a bit retarded. hmmm, is it becoz of the so called "lack of slp". considerin i slp 6hrs everyday since monday??? or my body is tired. hmmm.

was seriously a super busy day. hmmm, and it was kinda funny too. lotsa small funny tings happened and kinda make it an enjoyable day. haha. was supposed to off work at 3pm, ended up was at work till 4.

was chatting with Mark, in regards to my future directions after i grad. he made me realli start to tink thru all the possible scenarios, consequences and sacrifices that may be met. like i said to a frenz before, whatever decision made, there bound to be sacrifices, it is up to individual to decide whether they can take the sacrifices.

those who noe me well, noe that i hav kinda hav a brief plan of my future, in terms of the next 10yrs. i myself noe very well what are the sacrifices that i had to make in order to achieve what i planned for myself.

being selective of the advices that i was given, i chose the path and i am meetin a crossroad now. to achieve what i had planned, the path, in the eyes of many is considered very selfish, some even commented that i am forgettin my roots. to follow the other path will caused me to delay my plan for more den 5 yrs, but in the eyes of others, it is consider a more "human" path.

my main concern is still my family, after all this yrs of rebellious nature, i kinda realised that no matter how cruel is the society to u, family will never be the one that turn their back on u. cant say that i realised it too late, coz i hav alreadi achieve the realisation way before others arnd me. wat make me wanna choose the second path, is to spend more time with them.

to put it crudely, they may go anytime, maybe in the next 10 yrs, no one noes. not sayin that i am cursing my own parents, but this is the fact. lookin at it at an objective point of view, they hav done so much for me, never given up on me, supportin me all the way. shldnt it be time i start to repay them???

however, after voicin out the concern to my parents, they asked me to choose whatever path that i wan. my dad even told me go out there and strive, dun look back and regret. sometimes, it just made me realise the power of love from my family. they noe that i am a very ambitious person, and i cant be caged. they let me go and see me soar. my dad said, if the land out there is much greener, go, dun come back. why waste ur future in a land where the future is not as bright as there.

do they say it becoz they wanna let me go without so much guilt or they say it coz it is wat they wan me to? wat abt my brother, shld i start my life here and pave out a better life for him? or shld i leave him to strive for his own future?

the rest of the relatives, i cant be bothered abt them. this study overseas made me seen thru them, kinda despised them in a way. it made me see how narrow their mind were, how unsupportive they were. if they cant even be a role model themselves, good luck to the kids. teachin their own kids to look down on ppl, not givin ppl second chances. haiz. i will neber forget this lesson that i learnt from them, made me realise how good my parents were.

i used to tink that i am studyin now becoz i wanna prove to them that i am not as hopeless as what they percieved me to be. i was affected by the way they look down on me, but now, i cant be fuckin bothered by them. even my mum said, the path that i chose is my own future, dun hav to be affected by wat others say. it dun even need to be proven to anyone except myself. not even to my parents. ppl arnd will sure gossip abt it, let them be. listen but dun take it to hrt. esp if ppl hav intentions of all sorts.

kinda facin a dilema now, although more or less the decision was made way before hand. how shld i approach the path? every scenario played in my head continously, the consequences and sacrifices are listed. there are a lot of what if. but i noe that, if i dwell on it, there is no way i will moved. i will be stuck and i might end up not achievin what i wan.

was tokin to a frenz yesterday, which also kinda trigger all this tots floatin in my mind. i guess i had given the most objective advice i can, puttin aside all the other affectin factors. it was den that i realised that how fast i had went thru the obstacles that made who i am today. not self-complimenting. i gave a compilation of advices that i had recieved when i was at that stage, takin away all irrelavant factors. i do believe i had done a fair amt of in-depth analysis, and hav not pointed a specific route to be followed.

i reflected on what i said and i realised how matured i had grown, my tinkin had changed and my way of doin tings had differ from what i used to be. for me to be able to say it out to others without being shoot back, it just showed that i had been there done that.

i brought up an extreme scenario, which kinda show how selfish i can get, or anor way to put it, what are my expectations of my own frenz. and if this scenario actually pops up, i stand by my own path. onli frenz that are true will stand by me all the way.

the same scenario brought abt either a yes or no answer, yet the reasoning behind this is cant be fathom, onli by the beholder. it is just a scenario that list down the needs and wants of life, puttin an extreme twist and from there, define the priority. it is considered quite a high lvl of seriousness, or in summary, are u willing to give up one of the most impt ting in ur life to attain the other impt ting in ur life? sound like a forceful question, yet if u look beyond the question, it actually let u reflect and prioritize ur life. instead of attackin all at one go, which will seriously lead u nowhere. anor ting to keep in mind is that, be honest to urself.

i am now in the grey areas of the crossroads, as in i am still able to interhop between the paths. but soon i noe i will reach the point of no return. and till that time, i must had my mind made up and proceed on. still weighin out, still tryin to be realli honest to myself. coz i noe that, once i made up my mind, there will be no regret.

Considered for a second about our love at {11/08/2006 05:31:00 PM}
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Name : Sharon Phang a.k.a Stone

Birthdate : 17th August 1984

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