Can This Be Love? .... Maybe.

Saturday, May 26, 2007

Down ....

suddenly just felt down, suddenly feel like leavin Perth, suddenly feel like going to anor place to start over again.

just got back from Pot Black with Silver. had three games of snooker, somehow played quite well. immersin myself into the world of snooker, tellin myself that at least there is sth that i am good in. tellin myself that at least there is sth that i am improvin in.

runnin away, it is pullin me. there are so many tings i had not learn to handle well, and history seems to be repeatin itself again. the frus ting is that i realli dunno what went wrong, i cant seem to get the main prob, even though i tot i did.

turnin backwards again, when i tot i had moved on. i dun wanna go thru all those again. i dunno whether i hav the strength and will to handle it again. everytime ppl tink i am super, i am strong, i noe wat i wan for myself. yet, there are times whereby i dunno who to tok to. not sayin that i am alreadi so knowlegde, but when me myself can alreadi foresee 90% of the reply, i kinda feel it is wastin both parties time. is that kind of helplessness that is killin me.

used to be told that if i reach a stagnant stage of my social circle, i shld go expand it. yet, i noe the old ting is comin back into every new frenz i make. there is no more confidence, no more 100% trust, no more 100% commitment. although withdrawn into my own world, being selfish was nv me. being alone was nv me. i always believe that in order to love myself, i need to love others. sound so wrong, yet it just is me.

i need that 10% reply that will stimulate me, yet i cant seem to find. i need to find someone that i can see my future self to be. not when i see my past in others. it is scary in a way, to see my past in someone, and the past will just come back and haunt me. tings that i had shelved, tings that i had run away from, tings that i tot i had resolved.

when i run out of ideas to actually face the situation, i look back into the past, and realise that all along i was runnin away from the problem, or even takin the easy way out. i had yet realli face it brave and strong.

behind the mask of standin strong is just the vulnerable me. and when it decide to come out, i realli hate it. it fights with my pride, my ego, my mind. i hate it when the emo me comes out, suddenly feel weak, and i hate feelin weak. to lose control, to lose goal, to lose vision.

as much as i wanna be the support of others, i am still seekin my own support, day by day. maybe it is becoz i noe i lose someone impt, someone special. and havin no confidence in findin anor someone special, is like a huge failure to me. to stand on my own, i had been doin that for the past donkey years, but there bound to be sometimes, when i just felt the pressure is too huge and pressin on me. to see frenz arnd me, feeling happy or sad abt the special one, make me envy. coz i dunno when will i hav that chance again.

frenz hav commented that i reached the stage of unattainable, when i become too rationale on rs, too hard to accept others, too afraid abt it. to be unfeeling abt feelings. honestly speaking, that was the defence that i force myself to take on, and it seem to reach a stage of own poisoning. it seem uncurable, and there is no antidote for it.

as the poison keep killin me, i am sufferin every single min, suffering the consequences of my own decision. it nv occur to me that the consequences were so bad, so hard, so similar to what i was runnin away from.

if i was to turn back time, i guess the ting i wanna change, will be comin to that decision even before knowin that someone special. tings will be so much different, and maybe i will still be suffering. yet at least i noe i wun hurt myself so bad, to feel so stupid.

Considered for a second about our love at {5/26/2007 08:28:00 PM}
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Name : Sharon Phang a.k.a Stone

Birthdate : 17th August 1984

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