okie, finally finished readin harry potter last book. well, i did not buy that book, but got it off internet. i must say it is pretty good, guess the movie gonna be wondeful. haha. been a long time since i was so immersed in reading. haha.
the whole wkend was chaos... not realli. haha. with hp no credit and bank no money, i hav kept myself in for the wkend. which is funny. turned down invitations, and just stayin at home. seems weird for a party animal like me. haha. torturous i supposed.
weather had been pretty crazy for the past few days. which is also one of the reason why i rather stay in. freakin wind and rain, haiz.
while drivin just now, suddenly had this flash of tots. didnt noe why it came thru, but it just hit me. Is it becoz of the fear of losing, makes me who i am today?
is it becoz the fear of losing, that i dun wanna get close to anyone? is it becoz of the fear that i hesitated? i stumped my social circle, i stumped the cycle. places that i used to go often, doesnt seem attractive. places that i dun go, i am afraid to venture into. that leads to me nowhere to go.
feel myself crumpling, feel myself fightin. even though from time to time, i had told myself to cherish wat i hav got, to treat everyday as if it is the last. every step that step closer, the fear will hit me. whether it is the lack of confident in myself or the other, i dunno.
this wkend was spend with someone i cared, yet i dun dare to get close. not becoz of the fear of bein misunderstood, but of the fear of losing. its not just bein there, but just the warmth that warm my hrt. no matter how crappy the day had been, no matter how bad the weather is. and becoz of this, all the more i dun dare to get close. for the fear of losing keeps hauntin me. to each we will pursue our own dreams, yet for time we hav not gone thru thick and thin. though it felt as if we known each other for a long time, yet the bonds we shared may not stand the test of time. as days goes by, the more we know of each other, the stronger the bond gets. but forgive me, i still hav doubts.
to admit that u are stronger den me, is one that i hav seldom done. to learn from u, is one that i hav yet achieve. to brin tis frenzship closer, is one that i yearn but fear. u hav surprised me a lot of times, by the tings u do, tings that i nv tot of. but one ting that i realli impressed is ur ability to choose the tots that will reveal to others, and locked up the rest.
i am guilty of settin up barriers when all facts point to a good frenz, distance placed between, assumptions bein made. i know that at the end of the day, i will lose to time. and i noe that it will hurt me as it has done before. and i noe that i will not survive anor time. is not that i dun trust u, but it just that i dun trust myself.
fear hav been hoverin arnd me for some time, even before we met. as i am tryin to heal the pain, day by day, i hav doubts in myself. i noe i wun be able to accept any rs in my life, yet i didnt expect frenzship to be included to. past experiences left me battered in pain, whatever confidence that i am left with, is fragile. i nv expect any promises, nor do i give promises. coz i noe i wun be able to keep or hold them.
feel like curlin up to slp.
Considered for a second about our love at {7/23/2007 01:20:00 AM}
